Everything is getting so hard.
I don’t know how I’ll make it tomorrow and go out.
Those are so easy things to do.
School work is getting so hard to do. It isn’t hard but somehow I can’t do it. It’s not that I try and I can’t, I can’t even try, I just do some work, go back to bed for some hours and again do some more work and repeat this all day. I could keep doing it right now but I’m tired.
There’s so much to do and I can’t do it and I know I’d feel bad if I didn’t had work to do but still I can’t do it.
I’m not sure if I’m just lazy. When did I become this? I used to work all day maybe a year ago or so, what happened? I’m just a waste.
Everything is getting so hard.
I feel so guilty for doing so many awful things to myself when there’s people who loves me around and I feel horrible because I keep doing them. If I were good I would stop but I don’t know. I feel so bad about myself and my life and I’m so scared of living, I’m a coward but I don’t want to live. I want to talk to a lot of people and see movies and listen to music but then there’s ths sadness and all the bad thoughts are too much that makes me so scared and sad to live. It’s so stupid to write about this, I write about it always and that won’t change it. I just really want to die but I don’t want to let people down and I want to draw and listen to music and talk to the people I love, take care of them and know how they’re doing. But I want to die.
I’m so stupid.
I want someone to be here and don’t let me hurt myself anymore but that’s childish and selfish.
I should be able to take care of myself. How can I ask for someone to take care of me? When everyone is already dealing with something.
I can’t complain about loneliness.
It would be so nice to be dead, it’s awful but no more sadness or anxiety.
I know I’d be losing a lot of wonderful things but also I would stop feeling like this and it’s probably better for everyone else.
I’m really scared of living.
I’m better but I still feel whatever it is hunting me and I try to distract myself and stop thinking but that’s only ignoring the problem and I know that if I face it, I’ll lose.
No. I am sorry. I know you and a lot of wonderful people want me to get better and then I give up like this, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t want you to do such thing for me, you’re wonderful, but I couldn’t forgive myself for taking so much of a person. I want to be stronger and make you all feel proud. You can affect me, you affect my life in a positive way. Honestly, I wouldn’t have a reason to keep trying if it weren’t for all the support you give me. I have no one waiting for me, I go back to my regular life one day after every attempt because no one notices but you and the people here. I feel myself when I talk to you and you know me more than the people around me. You help me so much, you have saved me and kept me alive a lot of times. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry if you wished nice things for me.
I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry if you thought I was smart and I could make something with my life.
I’m sorry if you ever hoped something for me.
I’m truly sorry, I’m so sorry.
Everything is bad. I don’t want to face life and I know it’s so selfish, I need to be here for others. It’s not fair for them. I wish everything could be fine for everyone else so I could go already. I want them all to fix their lives and be happy so I can die in peace.
The manic called me and told me he’s dating someone.
He’s dating the manic girl!
I almost laughed.
I didn’t say anything but it’d be so funny to see them both. They both like to hurt but don’t like to get hurt. I wonder if it’s like that when they’re together or only with the people they call in secret.
To be honest, I think they both would be really kind with their partners. They could get married and still would be calling other people to satisfy their desire to hurt.
It would be funny if they get married with each other and keep calling me now and then to hurt me without knowing the other one does the same.
Then he said that what he has done to me is probably the worst he has done to someone.
He’s so funny.
He got emotional and told me how my self destructiveness confuses him and make him do crazy things he doesn’t want to and stuff I don’t care about. I don’t care at all. He thinks he’s the bad boy and I’m such a poor girl but in that case, I’m using him as well. How silly. You’re not hurting me more than what I hurt myself, I’m not even scared of you. I don’t need you to comfort me, you don’t understand. I’m not a poor little girl with a trauma, I know well what I’m doing, I want you to do it and I want it to get worse and worse until I have enough to finally shoot myself.
You all think girls are so nice and innocent creatures.
You’re all so naive.