http://iamhiscastle.tumblr.com/

I’m too old. Too old.I can’t do anything. I have to decide what I’m going to do...

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 16:27:22 -0700

I’m too old. Too old.
I can’t do anything. I have to decide what I’m going to do because obviously it won’t be something big or will make me happy. I’m already in my 20s and ah
god, where my life has gone? I’ve been dead for so many years that it’s too late already.
I don’t even know what could make me happy.
I’m so jealous of people my age or younger that have already make it, and they’re happy. I need to find a job and wait until I die.
God. I’ve been crying for 2 days. I hate myself, I ruined my life with this damn thing and the sadness and everything. I don’t want to see myself at the future. I can’t.

It’s so hard to breathe and exist.I feel bad letting my feelings out.I don’t want to...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 20:35:34 -0700

It’s so hard to breathe and exist.
I feel bad letting my feelings out.
I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to feel as I always feel.
But how I wish I weren’t here.
This reality of mine.
It feels like friction. I should been doing something else, I should be someone different, I should feel different.
But I think I’m more realistic. This sucks, a lot and hurts a lot and existing is awful and I’m going to be alone forever but I won’t cry. Because this is awful. I’m going to break something instead but I don’t want to be a victim anymore. No.
I don’t want to think, I don’t want to keep still for long because then I remember and I feel like dying.
I still want to die but I won’t think about it and this place is hell but I’m so stupid.

FeelingsAnxietyWhy is so hard to be a human being? Well, ah.I don’t want to cut. I...

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 20:55:20 -0700

Feelings
Anxiety
Why is so hard to be a human being?
Well, ah.
I don’t want to cut. I won’t. I’m stronger than that. I won’t. No.

I’m exhausted. I want to give myself a day to rest and give up but I know that if I do that,...

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 18:15:00 -0700

I’m exhausted. I want to give myself a day to rest and give up but I know that if I do that, the sadness will slowly take over again.
I was so tired and sad that I prayed for the first time in years. My relation with God is complicated. I’m indiferent. I haven’t thought about it deeply but I’m so tired.
I’m so tired, mad and sad but I’ll keep going.
I really want to get better. I’d beg anyone, anything.

That awful feeling is coming back again. But I felt good, I want to feel good. I want to live and be...

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 14:41:35 -0700

That awful feeling is coming back again.
But I felt good, I want to feel good. I want to live and be happy. I want to be happy.
I hate this place and these words and to write, I just want to be happy.

Photo

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 13:04:34 -0800

Food makes everything feel so unreal and worse.I don’t know if I’m proud of myself...

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 14:16:00 -0800

Food makes everything feel so unreal and worse.
I don’t know if I’m proud of myself because my head tells me; ‘don’t be a fool, this is useless, you did it before and was useless’. I want to try.
He calls me but I ignore his calls, I can’t do it again, I need to try. This last month was probably one of the hardest moments of my life and I made so many mistakes, I’m ashamed of what I’ve done, but sometimes I feel I can’t stop myself and I want to answer the phone.
This other new girl is trying to do the same as well. It’s like, there’s a lot of manics in the world and I am a target. She talks and talks and those people always think they can turn on a person with compliments and just because I don’t say no that means they got me.
I hate how people link sex to people’s malleability.
But it’s not my right to complain, it’s my fault to keep being the same horrible person as always and I feel so disgusted by everything on me.
I just want to close my eyes and forget all of that happened and forget what’s in my mind.

Photo

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 19:35:25 -0800

Last night I lay down next to my mother and I cried for hours. She got so scared and didn’t...

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 19:34:36 -0800

Last night I lay down next to my mother and I cried for hours. She got so scared and didn’t stop asking me; ‘what’s wrong?’ and ’talk to me’. But it’s hard for me to talk about this. I only can write here, not directly to someone, but to myself only, it’s easier. Words get stuck on my throat, like needles. I try, I want, but I can’t. I’m so ashamed, it’s everything so ridiculous and pointless, everytime I’m about to talk there’s this thing on my head reminding me how useless it’s, how stupid I am.
I can’t even talk with my doctors, I only say little vague answers and nod. Always, I always say little vague answers or nod to everyone.
I’m rotting on my bed, I keep missing school, I can’t help it. I need, I must to get up. I must. I can’t stand it anymore, I need to get up and move, but it’s so hard. Something inside is keeping me down.
But everything will be fine now. He’s here.

"i cannot stop crying. I dont now, I want to go sleep next to my mom but it’s 2am anyway I..."

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 02:29:57 -0800

“i cannot stop crying. I dont now, I want to go sleep next to my mom but it’s 2am anyway I could just hold on until 6 when I have to get up and go to school and also she’d worry. I am so worried and scared. I don’t know what I should do.”

Everything is getting so hard. I don’t know how I’ll make it tomorrow and go out. Those...

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 22:07:29 -0800

Everything is getting so hard.
I don’t know how I’ll make it tomorrow and go out.
Those are so easy things to do.
School work is getting so hard to do. It isn’t hard but somehow I can’t do it. It’s not that I try and I can’t, I can’t even try, I just do some work, go back to bed for some hours and again do some more work and repeat this all day. I could keep doing it right now but I’m tired.
There’s so much to do and I can’t do it and I know I’d feel bad if I didn’t had work to do but still I can’t do it.
I’m not sure if I’m just lazy. When did I become this? I used to work all day maybe a year ago or so, what happened? I’m just a waste.

I feel so guilty for doing so many awful things to myself when there’s people who loves me...

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 01:45:46 -0800

I feel so guilty for doing so many awful things to myself when there’s people who loves me around and I feel horrible because I keep doing them. If I were good I would stop but I don’t know. I feel so bad about myself and my life and I’m so scared of living, I’m a coward but I don’t want to live. I want to talk to a lot of people and see movies and listen to music but then there’s ths sadness and all the bad thoughts are too much that makes me so scared and sad to live. It’s so stupid to write about this, I write about it always and that won’t change it. I just really want to die but I don’t want to let people down and I want to draw and listen to music and talk to the people I love, take care of them and know how they’re doing. But I want to die.
I’m so stupid.
I want someone to be here and don’t let me hurt myself anymore but that’s childish and selfish.
I should be able to take care of myself. How can I ask for someone to take care of me? When everyone is already dealing with something.
I can’t complain about loneliness.
It would be so nice to be dead, it’s awful but no more sadness or anxiety.
I know I’d be losing a lot of wonderful things but also I would stop feeling like this and it’s probably better for everyone else.

Forget it.

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Fri, 01 Mar 2013 00:38:59 -0800

I’m really scared of living. I’m better but I still feel whatever it is hunting me and I...

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 00:36:25 -0800

I’m really scared of living.
I’m better but I still feel whatever it is hunting me and I try to distract myself and stop thinking but that’s only ignoring the problem and I know that if I face it, I’ll lose.

the only problem is that it doesn't mean shit because you don't seem to wish the same for yourself. the problem is that this sickness twists everything,turns it upside down,makes it unreal and empty. and it's fucking eating me,knowing what it all feels like and being unable to stand in your defense. because it's not of my fucking business,i can do whatever i want to myself but i can never really affect anyone even if i only mean good. and that's what i hate about life the most. i'm sorry

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 00:47:04 -0800

No. I am sorry. I know you and a lot of wonderful people want me to get better and then I give up like this, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t want you to do such thing for me, you’re wonderful, but I couldn’t forgive myself for taking so much of a person. I want to be stronger and make you all feel proud. You can affect me, you affect my life in a positive way. Honestly, I wouldn’t have a reason to keep trying if it weren’t for all the support you give me. I have no one waiting for me, I go back to my regular life one day after every attempt because no one notices but you and the people here. I feel myself when I talk to you and you know me more than the people around me. You help me so much, you have saved me and kept me alive a lot of times. I’m sorry.

if one told me now that you would be able to breath and feel everything the way you used to only on conditions that i'd let him/her torture and kill me in any disgusting way they would imagine,i would totally go for it. sad to say it wont ever happen. i've always wanted good things for you,some happy or just bright moments at least,that you could enjoy,being ridiculous never stopped me from thoughts of this kind,i will always hope anyway,and i know that dozens of others would second my words

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 00:47:02 -0800

I’m sorry if you wished nice things for me.I’m so sorry.I’m sorry if you thought I...

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 08:36:40 -0800

I’m sorry if you wished nice things for me.
I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry if you thought I was smart and I could make something with my life.
I’m sorry if you ever hoped something for me.
I’m truly sorry, I’m so sorry.

Everything is bad. I don’t want to face life and I know it’s so selfish, I need to be...

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 13:38:35 -0800

Everything is bad. I don’t want to face life and I know it’s so selfish, I need to be here for others. It’s not fair for them. I wish everything could be fine for everyone else so I could go already. I want them all to fix their lives and be happy so I can die in peace.

Photo

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 02:45:37 -0800

The manic called me and told me he’s dating someone.He’s dating the manic girl!I almost...

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 02:42:31 -0800

The manic called me and told me he’s dating someone.
He’s dating the manic girl!
I almost laughed.
I didn’t say anything but it’d be so funny to see them both. They both like to hurt but don’t like to get hurt. I wonder if it’s like that when they’re together or only with the people they call in secret.
To be honest, I think they both would be really kind with their partners. They could get married and still would be calling other people to satisfy their desire to hurt.
It would be funny if they get married with each other and keep calling me now and then to hurt me without knowing the other one does the same.

Then he said that what he has done to me is probably the worst he has done to someone.
He’s so funny.
He got emotional and told me how my self destructiveness confuses him and make him do crazy things he doesn’t want to and stuff I don’t care about. I don’t care at all. He thinks he’s the bad boy and I’m such a poor girl but in that case, I’m using him as well. How silly. You’re not hurting me more than what I hurt myself, I’m not even scared of you. I don’t need you to comfort me, you don’t understand. I’m not a poor little girl with a trauma, I know well what I’m doing, I want you to do it and I want it to get worse and worse until I have enough to finally shoot myself.

Ah
Boys
You all think girls are so nice and innocent creatures.
You’re all so naive.